Shelli Belly

   I was teaching a lesson about finances this week to 8^thgraders when the question rang out “What did you spend your money on?” (See post Day 6)  I in turned went in for the joke laced in truth. I slapped my thighs and gave my best Super Model pose and exclaimed that it cost a lot to get a body like this.  Let the squirming begin.  The poor kids didn’t know if they should laugh because to them and society it’s a taboo subject.  The students instead just gave me sheepish grins. I assured them that it was ok to be truthful.  I told them that now that my finances are within budget it was time to get my calorie budget in line.  I told them that they were going to be my witnesses.  I asked if I could have a witness and they responded by raising their hands with a few cheers and giggles. I can’t wait to pull those capris out next spring. I then reverted their attentions back to our lesson on budgeting.  

        I just don’t see the point in hiding.  Lets state the obvious.   I’m morbidly obese.   I know how I got here. I ate too much.  It’s ok to talk about it. I’ll explore the emotional issues along the way. It’s ok to comfort the issue.  I’m choosing to be better and not bitter.  I’ve already been down the road of resentfulness.  

So let’s see what a year of different choices can result in.

         So is it coming? You know the ebb and flow of something new? I have been so excited about my new choices, blogging and even writing that I’m now waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for the enthusiasm to wane. Will it happen on the next Wednesday weigh in? Will it happen on the ride home when I mindlessly pull into a drive-thru and order a double of everything? Justifying the purchase because I’m too tired to cook. Will it happen on a day that my last ounce of patience was used up by 10 am? Will it happen when I’m finally tempted by a perfectly baked corner piece brownie? In the past I was successful for a while but I would always lose steam and surrender to the temptation to just give in.

BUT NOT TODAY!

        It was a working Saturday for me.   This usually meant that I committed to something during the excitement of the new school year. In the past I would commit but then back out at the last moment. One thing I want to do within this venture is to be truthful to you and myself. Most of all I want my “Yes”  be “Yes” and my “No”  be “No.” (Matthew 5:37)   Truthfulness is the key!   No more lying to myself.    So as this day approached I was tempted to just bail. Especially since it was going to be an incredible fall day. You know those crisp fall days where the sky is a crystal blue with big fluffy clouds and the trees a fiery yellow. I did not want to spend a day in a computer lab especially since I was going to get a nice lunch but no pay. 
       My new plan for my life got me to the school today. The whole sum of my decisions this past week made my early morning rather routine. I didn’t argue with myself or try to negotiate for a better deal, which would have been a day of me just relaxing in my chair. I prayed for a day of good decisions and a positive attitude.
       I HAD SO MUCH FUN TODAY! Every lesson was geared right for what I needed for my students. The exchanged between colleagues was uplifting and informative. I guess like-minded people meet on Saturdays for a computer conference. But what I did notice was that following through with my plans for the day allowed me to follow through with my healthy choices. During the catered breakfast I chose a wonderful assortment of fruit and during lunch I was completely satisfied with bypassing the bread in the sandwich and adding everything to nice toss salad. The best part was that I also passed on the perfectly baked corner piece brownie. It had no ownership of me today. I was not tempted in the least. I made a plan and I stuck to it. In the past I would have went back for seconds and even squirreled a brownie away for the afternoon session. Great choices all day long even allowed me to enjoy a wonderful walk after the conference. The day was just as beautiful and I probably even enjoyed it more because of my accomplishments throughout the day.

Small victories are so important.

     Hurray for Friday! I have seen some real changes in a week. I’ve been experiencing the same stress load, work expectations, and general pressures of life but I have actually not reverted to old habits. I have not answered these pressures by eating whatever I wanted because “I deserved it.” In fact I believe I have been able to set reasonable expectations for myself because I have set a limit. I took time today to exercise immediately after school, which allowed me the freedom to stay late and get organized for next week. There will come a time when I will faultier but, right now I know when that time comes I’ll be that much stronger to pick myself back up, especially with everyone’s encouragement.
Thank you so much!

     How do I fit everything into an already crammed schedule and still drink enough water, make good food choices (cook, shop, chew 20 times) and exercise? Somethings gotta give! In the past I always chose to let the healthy agenda items go by the wayside.

BUT NOT TODAY!

     I was on target today. My calorie budget was 1500. I actually got giddy when I saw the calorie total for my oatmeal this morning. Who knew? I snuck some exercise in today during lunch duty by actually playing Zim-Zam with the students. I knocked the heck out of the tennis ball during two lunches today. Had a wonderful dinner with a friend and then went for a moderate walk. We even tracked a bear for a while. Seeing those tracks got the dogs and us excited. So the big fret over adding exercise so far this week hasn’t happened. There is time during the day and I’ll find it. It doesn’t have to be a big production but I will up the intensity because I want to see what the slow steady progress I can make in a year.

What will I do tomorrow for FUN?

      Can’t tell you how many times exercise had to be auto corrected in this post. I really need to learn to spell exercise because I’m going to be doing a lot more of it.

       I have spent the past 3 years learning how to live within a budget.  I never took the time to learn about money.  I avoided the subject at all cost.  I just unconsciously paid bills and then charged everything for the rest of the month.  I took on more and more side jobs in order to account for the short fall but I never really could make ends meet.  I never cut back my spending or set a limit.  I just worked harder.  After 15 years of wayward spending I was in over my head to a tune of $45,000.  This is a perfect example of living with no boundary.  When I could not work  any more hours in a day and my credit cards were at their limit I made the struggle public and set a budget.  I became a student of a  friend who had made smart financial decisions. I made graphs and posted them all over my house and classroom.  I read books and listened on the radio to financial experts such as Dave Ramsey.   I became the cash queen and my mantra was “Credit Cards are Bad!”  I lived within a budget and paid cash for everything.  Every dollar had a purpose and destination.  Believe it or not I had freedom within that boundary.  I had “if then choices.”  I worked it so I could choose where the money would go and shuffled as needed.  I was determined and unrelenting.  To this date I have paid off 90% of this debt.

I bet you know where this is going .

       Isn’t it interesting that my financial history is very similar to my weight story?  It’s amazing to see the similarities.  My family knew that my weight gained was not a topic up for discussion. It wasn’t fair to them because they were coming from a place of love. But I would become very hurt when the topic arose.  When I spoke with friends about my weight I approached the subject as if I was a victim, “Oh whoa is me.” I felt defeated because I believed that this was an area in my life that I would never achieve significant success in.  I tried to white knuckle it many times but I would always defeat myself once again.   I would reach that certain milestone and then turn around and eat more and more.  I’d learn about healthy eating but I would never take any ownership in what was going on, so the pounds just piled on and on and on. 

   Financial and Weight Gain Similarities
1. Topic off the table
2. Continue as if nothing was happening
3. Play the “Whoa is me,” card

    I made the connection today when I was talking to a friend about my success this week.  I was reviewing with her my calorie options and if I budget correctly I could have certain foods according to my calorie allotment for the day.  She had witnessed my financial journey and said, “If you can be on a cash budget you can surely budget calories.  Lets see can you say “LIGHTBULB MOMENT?”

     Wouldn’t it be wonderful to wake up tomorrow and not have this problem? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to just move on from this one thing? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to not battle this time and time again. This battle will only be accomplished when I enter a PATTERN of self-control. It will not happen in an instant.

      Making choices each day that will lead to results will ease the battle with myself. Because I have been fighting this my whole life, I have a dialogue in my mind about weight that plays over and over and over and over. It doesn’t prohibit me from new experiences but it takes an inner toll. I have a friend that often asks me if I am being nice to Shelli. In the last week I have been nice to Shelli. I have not been condemning myself over and over again. In the last week I have been giving myself enough grace to make positive changes and to eat right. It’s been easier this week because I’m taking it slow and keeping food choices simple. I do not have to have everything mapped out and solved within the very first week. I’m making forward progress one meal at a time. The time is going to go by and I’m going to be that much stronger and even kinder to myself.

     Some use the word miracle to represent the Lord’s incredible handiwork.  Miracles have been defined as a laugh of a baby, a sunset, a beautiful vista, or the winning touchdown.  Some might see the miracle as it is revealed at the end of a journey. When you look back on your accomplishments and see the road you have taken but, what about at the beginning of the road?  As I stood on the scale today at 365.1 lbs. it seemed overwhelming. The road ahead is long and full of choices.  I can only imagine what it will feel like to look back on my choices and see the result. What will it be like?  How will I feel to be in a new body? How will my life change? Am I brave enough to find out? It is so inconceivable and so far off so I’m going to focus on the miracle of today. 
     The miracle of today is that I’m here and that I have a choice.  Health issues are not making this choice for me.  My lab results are stellar.  I’m here! I’m able!  I’m thankful to the Lord that I have an occupation that is fulfilling and the ability to met my needs.  I’m thankful that I still have one good knee that is taking the brunt of the load. I’m thankful for friends and family that have looked past the fat and have seen me. I’m thankful that besides this condition I still am in the game of life.  I’ll still ride that roller coaster, wear that bathing suit, get on that plane and dance in front of a classroom of 7th graders.  I’m thankful that I can focus on this priority and that this to can change with discipline, increased knowledge, endurance and diligence. I’m thankful for the miracles already in my life. So miracles will be counted at the end but will be appreciated at the beginning and on the way to the new me.  What can happen in a year’s time? I believe an abundance of promises.

 
“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jer. 29:11 

     I believe that my days are too long. But whose aren’t? In the next few weeks as I adjust my priorities in order to be successful on this journey I will need focus on my schedule in order to reflect my number one priority. In the past few days I have made sensible food choices and yet because my day is so long I’m going to bed hungry. I will research some snack ideas this weekend and prepare them so that I may mindlessly reach into the frig for something that is good for me. It seems pretty basic and maybe a “no dah” solution, but I have really never taken the time to think these steps through. I know so much about how to diet but a diet is not what I’m on. I’m just making better choices for the long run. This is not a short-term plan I’m in it for the long haul. As I adjust my schedule I will also need to find more time to sleep and exercise. I’m so excited with the food choices right now that I know the other components will slide into place with a little planning. Being proactive will take the emotional responses and justifications right out of the equation. Keeping it simple and making good choices everyday.

   Wow people have already found this site. It was wonderful to hear from family and friends. I have made even some new friends that have traveled this road. Loretta, Irene and Sean you are great mentors.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement today.

Shelli